I received a comment on my art blog http://marcieart.wordpress.com yesterday concerning some artwork of mine that was on the cover of CORPUS Reports last May/June. The man who identified himself as Joe called those pictures that I did of Mary “so-called pics” because it seems he had seen statues and other pictures of her that are similar.
My pictures of Mary were oil pastels rendered with lots of texture and deep rich and contrasting color. I worked form a photo I took of a small white cement yard statue of Mary, which I saw in a garden. Yesterday, it was my thought that maybe Joe was upset because he felt that every work of art should come strictly from the imagination of the artist. I explained that some art is created that way, but most of the time artist, like photographers, use models or people, places, and things that they see and give them new and different interpretations. I was surprised that this was not common knowledge. Today I am wondering if Joe was upset because I did give a new interpretation to Joe’s personal image of Mary.
It is okay to have a favorite image of Mary, but it is okay too that others see her differently. This idea that we can’t give new life, form, or interpretations to what is already available in our lives is a common thought habit for people with rigid thinking. It is this kind of thinking that keeps people in situations they don’t want, and leading lives they don’t believe in because they can’t see what is there with new eyes.
You women who are in relationships with priests that have been formed by tradition, that are controled by others, and causing you pain need to step back and look with new eyes. Maybe you need to open your hearts, minds, and attitudes to new possibilities. Does your relationship have to resemble all of those that came before you? If you were going to draw a picture of your relationship, what would it look like, what would you look like? How would you change that picture? Your relationship is not a paint by number. We are in partnership with the greatest artist and He allows you to put your own brush strokes down and chose the colors, and take responsibility for your creations.
Three Geisha Bathing 16 x 20 mixed media on canvas board
Do women of other cultures whose roles are more circumscribed by society, religion, or traditions have closer bonds with one another, richer inner lives, and more security in knowing where they belong and what they can expect out of life and each other? Is life really more difficult for them or for we women who chose to love a priest and now find that we have undefined lives, no road maps or role models in society, and no way in which to even describe ourselves. Are we really so ready to go it alone?
In this picture, the geisha come together to share stories and intimate conversations. They share each others’ cleansing water too because they are deeply bonded by their life experiences , which they have lived so deeply. Each one may have a different way of expressing geisha, but each understands the other in a way that no one else can. They all experienced the sacrifices they made to become geisha and they all continue to encourage each other to dream. They know who they are recognize the other.
Can we find ways to do that here, or are we doomed to live as specks of dust floating out there in space? Too many people go through life unconnected to one another and that is the real cause of suffering in this world. It isn’t the unfairness of a situation, or the troubles we encounter in our lives that make us suffer as much as it is our insistence on suffering alone.
Coming together when you are from different cultures is difficult, and you really have to create a third culture where you both can live. That third culture is love and acceptance.
Many times family and friends don’t always know how to deal with it when a member marries outside of their culture and it can cause fear, but most of the time family and friends soon adjust because they want to be a part of their loved ones life. I believe that the fraternity of the priesthood has its own culture apart from whatever country or society that it exists in. Maybe it is more like a cult. There seems to be tighter bond and when a priest leaves and marries the feeling of fear turns into betrayal, hate, and anger for those who are left behind.
On this visit to India, my husband had a chance to meet the provincial of the order he once belong to find out what was happening in his laicization process, and he was treated with real hostility. After thirteen years, you would think that there could be some acceptance on their part, but it seems as though a grudge has festered.
Throughout the years there has been a systematic denial on their part of the existence of my husband’s efforts to be laicized. After they received the initial paperwork, they said they would forward it on to Rome. Then years would pass and he would inquire again, and they would make excuses as to why it was not done. This time the provincial claimed there was never any paperwork sent by my husband. When my husband confronted him in person then the paperwork was conveniently discovered in an abandoned file. Now the provincial is insisting on getting yet another copy of our marriage certificate and even a wedding picture? How strange is that? Can we trust them now to start the process?
This is a religious order that was originated by St. Francis of Assisi who wanted to serve his brothers and sisters no matter who they were. He wanted to bring everyone to God and he was so full of love that he saw the animals, stars, and even a blades of grass as his brothers and sisters. Here his predecessors are all consumed with hostility and contempt. They seem to be more interested in keeping souls from God and metering out revenge. Even Rome has recently recognized the need to deal with laicizations more quickly. It seems that the Franciscan Capuchins in Aluva live in a tower where none can escape.
So many things happened to us on our India trip this year that seem like milestones, however I will tell you only about one today. It was early morning before the sun and humidity became so unbearable for me that we went by auto rickshaw, a small three-wheeler, to the seminary where my husband had his early priestly formation. The seminary is called Calvary. I had been to this seminary on a previous trip, but that was under cover of darkness because we both had to be unseen, and I remember that I felt disappointed to be there when I wouldn’t be able to see the place that I had heard so much about. That time we talked to his uncle, a priest, about our situation and to find out how my husband’s laicization was proceeding. His uncle was rude and unfriendly to me and I remember feeling embarrassed and humiliated and actually glad for the night.
This time was so different and I was surprised by what I saw. There was such a shabbiness there that I felt let down. All the times I had heard of his days there I always pictured something stronger, brighter, and larger. Some of the buildings were painted blue, but they were stained with dirt and seemed tired, so poor that I couldn’t understand how they could have held up through the years. My husband was happy to point out the places where memorable incidences occurred and I smiled as I tried to decide if memory and imagination can really confuse so much, or do if he remembered with spirit and sees with eyes of faith?
We went into the small chapel there to pray for a moment and my husband explained how the upper balconies that were along both sides of the chapel were used as sleeping quarters for those who were just starting formation, and that he had slept there once. There were small fans suspended from the rafters, but I am sure they would not have been turning in the dark then. All I could think of were the words black heat. What made him to lie down there night after night. Did he feel God in a special way? I tried to be there with him for just a moment, but I felt a ting of suffocation and couldn’t stay for a second not even in my imagination.
Later, we met with a priest to talk about my husband’s laicization, and as I looked at him, I wondered how he saw this place. Was he seeing it with the eyes of faith or acceptance.
I think for the first time my husband realized that nothing he experienced with God is ever lost, and Calvary can be always be there in him sweetly. I know this because after so many trips to India, he was eager to share this place with me in the light of day.
I just got back from India. I was sweating to death there, and now I am cold. Our night is their day, and so I have to fight my urges to sleep in the day and my stomach doesn’t know when to eat or when to rest. I am all turned around, but being home is such a heavenly relief. When I was there, I felt really isolated. It was worse because we were in my husband’s country and with his friends and relatives and I couldn’t even join in the conversations because of the language barrier. I didn’t fit in in any way. My skin color, cloths, and even my hairstyle stood out where ever I went.
Nothing can be so disorientating as not fitting in, and believe me I felt disorientated. Culture shock set in and I become fearful, then angry, and even more ridged. I wanted to turn around and come home as soon as I could, but after checking with the airlines, I realized that it wasn’t going to be possible. I struggled with my disappointment and then eventually I accept my situation. I bought a few items of clothing to wear to feel a little less conspicuous, made peace with the unbearable noise, smells, heat, and humidity, and tried to find something good each day to be thankful for. Could I do this if I weren’t sure I would soon be going home? This has happened to me the last few times I went to India.
I have asked myself why it is bothering me more and more each time I go. There are probably more reasons than I can verbalized now, but one reason that it is so hard for me to go is that the romance of the new and exotic has worn off and I am left with the tough reality that I will have to give myself up for three or four weeks each time I go, and it is harder and harder to see the rewards.
I think about people like my husband who immigrate to different countries. Some go out of necessity, and some out of desire, but all will experience culture shock. Sometimes that culture shock that they experience never gives way to acceptance and can turn into a real mental illness as they find it impossible to find a way to assimilate. They will all have to give up parts of themselves, and at the same time find ways to hold on to their core. I know how hard this is.
Maybe visiting a different country is kind of like a secret forbidden relationship. At first it is romantic and exotic, but after a while it becomes a case of just giving yourself up and for what? Can you live a lifetime in a relationship where you can’t really be yourself and never really belong? Can you expect to be content? Do you want to become an immigrant in your relationship?
Each time I come to India, I am struck by how different life was for my husband before I met him. He was not only a priest, but he came from a world that is almost the opposite of mine. It isn’t just he language and food that is different, but the smells in the air caused by the weather, pollution, and everyday elements of living. When a man and a woman meet they bring with them everything that is part of their own world and they create a new world where they live together. What’s in your world?
When we think about our past we might remember feelings, or we think about our lives in pictures. Little snapshots of yesterday floats across our mind’s eyes and feeling will flood over us. If we try to make decisions about a relationship, we go through the same process and that often this leads us to make the wrong decisions.
I wonder if we could think about our lives in the present in terms of pictures, but rather than snapshots of what is happening or what has happened, try to see your world in terms of a place. If you could visualize this new world, what would it look like? Would there be open spaces, green growth, new paths, or would there be closed doors, dark spaces, and fog? It is interesting to think about our lives in visual forms instead of thoughts and feelings, or words. Give it a try and see what you come up with.
Yesterday evening I attended a yearly event call Light Up The Night hosted by the local domestic violence agencies. This event brings awareness of domestic violence to the community. Each year features a guest speaker, a commemorative walk with lights, and the silhouettes of all those who were murdered in our area as a result of domestic violence with their stories posted on each.
This year’s speaker was Teri Jendusa Nicolai, who was beaten and left for dead in a dumpster at the hands of her ex-husband. As Teri told her story, the two signs of abuse she mentioned over and over were control and isolation. She stated repeatedly how it is never about love, but about control. She talked about how the victims lose a sense of themselves as they loses contact with friends and relatives, how not being able to get healthy feedback from others about their lives keeps them in the situation. She talked about the loss of self-esteem that comes gradually as isolation increases, and how the loss of control over one’s own life makes victims unable to leave. She never mentioned that the thing that all victims of domestic violence have in common is secrets, but that is what isolation becomes.
I thought about how these elements are present in secret relationships even if you would never consider them domestic violence at first glance. Are they? There is the need to control every aspect of the relationship for who, what, and where it can exist. There is the need to control the partner’s behavior. The secret must be kept. There is the isolation from friends and relatives as no one can be told what is happening. The list goes on and on. People in secret relationships do not have the freedom to grow and be out in the open, and isn’t this abuse?
As I left the talks in the auditorium, I walked around the reception area and read the stories of victims that were posted on blacken life-sized silhouettes around the room. There were silhouettes of women young and older, little children, babies, teenagers, and even a perpetrator who had been killed later by her victim. These stories and visual representations were so powerful that I struggled to keep back the tears. I felt that I was in the real presence of these people and their sadness and tragedy pulsated around me.
There were two obvious lessons in the night that lit up for me that I want to share with you. The first is that secrets are about control and isolation and that is never healthy no matter where they fit on the scale of one to ten in unhealthy behavior. The other is that you are not a silhouette, but alive and have choices. It cannot be easy for Teri to get up and tell her story, but she does it whenever she can because she knows she is not alone and it is no longer just about her. You need to become real and tell your story not just for yourself, but for all the others who are searching for truth, support, and wisdom, but think they are alone. Together we become strong. There is so much healing for everyone when we come out of the shadows and speak to one another. Let us set fire to the secrets and light up our night!
Where you before you met the one that you are currently involved with? What was your life like? Was there something missing or was everything just fine? Did the person you are involved with fill a need or a void or did he/she add to the quality of your life? Were you generally happy before you met your current partner?
When we find ourselves attracted to someone or in love, we tend to think that our world has just begun. The feelings are so intense that we forget that there was ever a time when he or she wasn’t in our life. It makes it hard to think of a life without that person so much so that we do whatever it takes to keep those feeling alive. Sometimes we even trick ourselves into believing we can’t get a long without them.
Maybe it is a fear of loneness that keeps us involved with people who do not add to the quality of our lives. Loneness in our culture is almost looked as a something to be shameful of. People will do anything including starve themselves to death, reconstruct their faces, and spend hours on the Internet talking to strangers to keep from feeling lonely. Well, I don’t think loneliness is a bad thing. I think loneness is a common feeling that we all have at different times and it can be a real friend and teacher if we let it in and don’t run form it. It can be an opportunity to get to know ourselves better and to spend time with God.
When we try to make choices about whether or not to say in a relationship, sometimes it is a good thing to look back to the time before we met our special friend. Looking at your life before you met the one you love may give you clues about why you are with them now, but more importantly it also assures you that there can be life after them.
Sometimes people are reluctant to leave a relationship even when they know they should because they think that they have to leave everything behind. That is not only not true, but impossible. You can never go back to who you were before you met because knowing that person has changed you in some way. You can however choose the thoughts, memories, and lessons you want to take with you. You’ll always be a richer person no matter what because you have had the privilege of learning something new from that relationship.
Maybe you can’t think of it as going on a vacation or a retreat. You existed before that person, and you will exist as a better person after. The choice is yours.
Vase of Moon And Stars, papier-mache, 7 1/2″ H, 8″ moon handle, 23″ around including handle, 3 1/2 across opening
“To the holy people she {Holy Wisdom} gave the wages of their labors; she guided the by a marvelous road, herself their shelter by day-and their starlight through the night.” -Wisdom 10:17
It is ironic that the best way to find our way out of darkness is by following the light, but it is only in the darkness that we can really see it. If you are reading this blog, it is because you are looking for some answers. The relationships you are in may be really difficult, stressful, sometimes lonely, and maybe you feel you must make a choice, but none of the choices you have before you seem good. I hope you that you may find some answers as you browse through the post I have left through the months, but you also need to go within to find divine wisdom. In The Cup of Our Life A Guide for Spiritual Growth by Joyce Rupp, she writes, “Divine guidance is a source of wisdom for us that helps us to know when to embrace ourselves and when not to give into ourselves.” To find that source of guidance you need to get quite and listen and let yourself be led.
Sometimes when you are in a crisis or in a stressful time it is hard to this. I found my way to do this is in making art and using my hands to making something that I have no expectations for. You see, for me making art in the beginning, and even now is like starting from scratch. Each time I approach a blank sheet of paper, or canvas, or begin a bowl, I am starting a new thing and I letting go of my desire to control it. I let the art make itself and with each piece, it takes me on an blind journey that leads me where it wants to go. When I am making art, I am just there with that piece of art at that time and there is nothing else. The process is darkness and result is light.
So making art is a way for me to find the light. It is a perfect form of meditation and prayer. It quiets me and brings me to my center especially when I make bowls and vases. I think it is so because circles are the shape of completeness, and the vase or the bowl is an object that provides an empty space to receive. In the end, when the piece is finished I have a permanent reminder of that prayer in that object. Here is where I found my light and so in my artwork, many times you will see moons and stars, and sometimes beings of light. This little vase pictured above reminds me that wisdom is accessible if I make myself open to it.
If prayer is hard and you may not think that you can make art, maybe you might find the same peace in some other activity. Whether you are baking, knitting, crocheting, practicing yoga exercise, or planting and caring for plants. If you stay alone with that activity and let that be all there is for the time you are involved, you will find peace and you will find your way out of your darkness and arrive in the light.
